WASHINGTON D.C – Coming as a surprise to no one, the USA based Department of Labor agency OSHA has deemed Ethereum founder, Vitalik Buterin’s, head-to-body ratio a high-risk safety hazard not only for Mr. Buterin himself, but for the crypto community at large.
“Think about it”, OSHA spokesperson, Cliff Meidl posed. “Not only is there an incredibly high risk of Mr. Buterin’s neck breaking at any time, but if that were to happen then Ethereum stakeholders could also largely stand to lose a hefty amount of capital from his lack of further involvement in the project.”
Buterin was surprisingly transparent in his addressing statements regarding the surprising turn of events.
“I understand the concern. I’ve seen myself. I get it, and I’m actively working on it.”, Buterin reassured. “Currently, I’m on a strict diet of Pediasure and women’s protein bars in hopes that they will help me not only gain some weight, but also strengthen my neck muscles. I’ve also been following baseball legend Mark McGwire’s ‘Neck Building 101’ program in an attempt to get that thick, 100% USDA Grade-A prime beef neck I’ve been working so hard to achieve.”
The Ethereum community has jokingly speculated that the size of his head is primarily due to his over-sized brain. However, the truth of the matter is significantly more complicated than that, Buterin told us in an exclusive interview.
“I was actually born with two brains. My mother was pregnant with twins, and sometime during the first trimester I absorbed the other fetus.”, Buterin lamented. “It sounds crazy I know, but I kind of like to think of my secondary brain as the ‘sidechain’, and my primary brain as the main chain. The primary brain can focus on things like new EIP implementations, while my secondary brain can simultaneously take a mental note of less pressing things, like which LOL Cats/unicorn t-shirt to wear at the next high-level international tech conference I attend.”
While the OSHA spokesman was clearly not satisfied with the lack of jurisdiction over another human being’s ability to exist, he left us with a final word of advise for the Ethereum founder.
“Although we understand that we don’t have the authority to simply shut down a person from doing things, we highly recommend that Mr. Buterin take caution in certain situations – like if he’s on a bridge, or an elevator or something. The sheer weight of the man’s cranium could compromise even the most innocuous environments.”