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The HODL Times is a satirical website with a focus on cryptocurrency, blockchain, and DeFi founded by Sacramento-based software engineer Stevie Sullivan. Come laugh at the absurdity of the web3 space with us.
“NFTs Aren’t Just JPEGs” Claims Man Who Exclusively Owns NFTs That Are JPEGs
VIRGINIA BEACH, VI – Local area man, Timothy Barnes, has been making waves in the community on the shoulders of a single, misguided idea; that the primary use case of NFTs is anything more than JPEGs of monkeys in designer clothes and tetradic color palettes. The HODL Times […]
Vitalik Buterin Announces Availability Of His New Bodybuilding Program ‘Proof Of Steak’
MOSCOW, RUSSIA – In a surprising turn of events, wunderkind and Ethereum founder Vitalik Buterin has announced in a recent tweet the general availability of his new bodybuilding program, Proof Of Steak. This out of character decision has left the Ethereum community perplexed, demanding an explanation for the […]
Report: Ethereum Classic Holders Also Prefer Missionary Sex, Generic Pizza Rolls Over Better Versions Of Those Things
HARTFORD, RH – It comes as no surprise that the chaotic cryptocurrency space by and large carries the most shit-slinging and tribalism among it’s stakeholders. This misguided vitriol is particularly prevalent in the communities of failing projects that are the result of hard forks such as Ethereum Classic, […]
Study: All Those Guys with Leo DiCaprio Avatars Spamming Diamond, Rocket Emojis Actually Fucking Suck At Making Money
SAINT PAUL, MN – Even the most passive lurkers of fintech spheres are likely to have encountered this behavior online in recent years; hoards of ostensibly low-functioning teenagers with Wolf of Wall Street-inspired avatars/profile pictures unloading emojis and poor financial advice in every corner of the web. Our […]
“Existing Systems Are Too Fast, Intuitive, Cost Effective,” Says Company Building An NFT Marketplace
GRAPEVINE, TX – Despite consumer interest in NFTs plummeting, businesses are still eager to get their foot in the door of the Web3 space at any cost. Be it an existing company undergoing a digital transformation that should have happened a decade ago, or a startup solving a […]
SafeMoon Investor Confused About Why They Keep Losing Money Despite Following All Of Their Pump & Dump Group’s Instructions
JACKSONVILLE, FL – In the wake of the GameStop run up, eager investors across the globe are finding themselves feeling left out and are turning to alternative investments in hopes of retiring before they turn 21. One such individual is recently self-proclaimed investing mogul and Florida native, Darren […]
Research Suggests 100% Correlation Between LUNA Investors And Guys Who Pull Their Pants Down To Their Ankles To Piss In Public Restrooms
STANFORD, CA – Contentious cryptocurrency, Terra Luna, is making rounds in the media again – but this time on the shoulders of a groundbreaking new study. Published in various science journals across the country, the study in question has revealed that given the opportunity, an astounding 100% of […]
The Next Bitcoin? One Trader’s Journey To Find Other Projects That Are Also Too Slow And Expensive To Use
OXNARD, CA – The HODL Times staff sat down for an interview with eager cryptocurrency trader Evan Wilkinson, who is on a journey to do what most investors only dream of – finding the next Bitcoin before his parents kick him out and he has to get a […]
10 Buzzwords Guaranteed To Spruce Up Any Unemployed Altcoin Investor’s LinkedIn Profile
Your family & friends may not understand, but we do. You’re too busy getting in on the ground floor of revolutionary new technologies that you don’t understand to hold down some measly, dead-end 9-5 job. To help you maintain your image, our analysts have compiled the 10 highly […]
“It’s Basically An Altcoin”: r/Bitcoin Now Bans Users That Admit To Using Or Owning Fiat For Being Altcoin Scammers
In an unanticipated turn of events, renown Reddit /r/bitcoin moderator Theymos has refactored the forum’s heavily disputed ‘no Altcoin discussion’ rule. New modifications to the rule now
Vitalik Buterin’s Head-To-Body Ratio Deemed Structurally Unsound By OSHA
WASHINGTON D.C – Coming as a surprise to no one, the USA based Department of Labor agency OSHA has deemed Ethereum founder, Vitalik Buterin’s, head-to-body ratio a high-risk safety hazard
Mobile App Idea Guy Ditches Dead-End Career Path To Pursue Newfound Dreams Of Becoming Unnecessary Blockchain Solution Idea Guy
SPOKANE, WA – Evident by a recent series of lengthy Craigslist job postings for blockchain developers to work on “the next Ethereum”, local man & self-described entrepreneur
Former Executives of Mt. Gox, Bitgrail, Tether, and Bitconnect Come Together to Form Shitcoin Supergroup
FLORENCE, ITALY – Disgraced former owner of infamous cryptocurrency exchange Bitgrail, Francesco Firano has unveiled new details today regarding his “crypto-supergroup”, confirming it will be comprised of Jed McCaleb (Mt.Gox Co-Founder), Brock Pierce, (Tether Co-Founder), and Carlos Matos (Bitconnect Spokesman). Each confirmed member has had considerable trouble finding relevant […]
An Open Letter From John McAfee: “Jokes On You, I Cut Off And Ate My Dick Years Ago.”
My dear friends, Did you really think that I wouldn’t have a contingency plan in the event I was wrong about a price prediction I made when I was high on mescaline? You fucking
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