STANFORD, CA – Contentious cryptocurrency, Terra Luna, is making rounds in the media again – but this time on the shoulders of a groundbreaking new study. Published in various science journals across the country, the study in question has revealed that given the opportunity, an astounding 100% of LUNA investors will pull their pants all the way down to their ankles when pissing in public restrooms.
Dr. Erin Lawson, the principal researcher and a professor at Stanford University was kind enough to share the details of her research with us.
“It started out like any other case study,” the doctor began. “We had a sample size of 100 known male LUNA holders, and 100 male LUNA opponents. We put together a test in which each participant drank 8oz of water every 10 minutes, went to urinate in a communal restroom as often as needed. Like moths to flame, one-by-one each LUNA investor approached the urinal, pulled their pants all the way down to their ankles – like a toddler – and began to urinate; all while making small talk with the other participants about how ‘Do Kwon is playing 5d chess to make us rich'”.
“The results were unreal,” said clearly surprised assistant researcher, Megan Yu. “The phenomena here lies not only in the 100% success rate in a test of this size, but also the fact that people are willing to invest in LUNA at all. I mean, what problem does it even solve?”.
One anonymous participant was eager to comment on the study, as they felt the results has besmirched their good name as an objective investor.
“Of course I pull my pants all the way down, I’m not just going to stand there and get piss splashed back all over my corduroys like an asshole. Is this supposed to be some sort of metaphor? Like my pants are the defenses that I’ve let down, and the piss splashing back represents the financial repercussions of investing in a pet project propped up by a stablecoin created by an unqualified scam artist? God, change the record.”
Photo by Lucas Vasques on Unsplash
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