JACKSONVILLE, FL – In the wake of the GameStop run up, eager investors across the globe are finding themselves feeling left out and are turning to alternative investments in hopes of retiring before they turn 21. One such individual is recently self-proclaimed investing mogul and Florida native, Darren Haskell.

Haskell tells The HODL Times staff that despite doing everything his Discord pump & dump group has told him to, he continues to hemorrhage money his ‘SafeMoon shares’ [sic]. Though, he maintains that the coin is going to skyrocket – and once it does, he’ll be the one laughing.

“Look, I’ve been in the crypto stocks [sic] game for nearly two weeks, and I’ve never seen anything like this, ” Haskell said incredulously. “It’s like every time the group tells me to buy, the price fucking plummets a few short hours later. Personally, I think it’s these wall street fat cats trying to suppress the price; they’re afraid of the power that a behemoth of technology like SafeMoon possesses.”

In recent weeks, SafeMoon has been co-opted by guerrilla marketing campaigns ranging from Facebook groups & Instagram influencers to Discord servers & Telegram groups.

“I first heard about SafeMoon while watching cringe compilations by my favorite TikTok influencer,” Haskell explained. “Now, I’m a pretty sharp guy, and I don’t know if anybody else has connected the dots here but… SAFE + MOON? That means this is not only a safe investment, but a guaranteed one as well. It’s right there in the name.”

“After a few minutes of doing literally no research at all, I decided that I was gonna go all in.” he added.

When asked about how a massively inflationary cryptocurrency designed as a joke by was a sound investment, Haskell simply scoffed.

“It’s simple economics, pal – if millions of people all buy SafeMoon stock at the exact same time, hold it for the exact same amount of time and never sell, we can get all become billionaires… but I know what you’re thinking; Darren, if everybody sells at the same time, not everybody is going to profit. Fortunately, heh, have a trick up my sleeve – I’m only pretending that I’m going to hold out to $1, but secretly I’m going to sell right before that! I don’t mean to brag, but it’s a pretty brilliant plan on my part. I guess I just have a knack for investing. Though, all these paper handed morons who keep selling are making me lose a ton of money.”

Despite Haskell’s demonstrated lack of investing experience, he maintains supreme confidence that he’ll be retiring in a few short years. As for his next steps:

“Well tonight the discord group and I are gonna harass the Dogecoin dev team about implementing a max supply cap. After that I’m filing a lawsuit against Robinhood, and once SafeMoon hit’s $1 per share I’ll definitely be dumping it all into DOGE for some REAL gains.”

Photo by Maxim Hopman on Unsplash