Politics

Dogecoin Investor Confused About Why They Keep Losing Money Despite Following All Of Their Pump & Dump Group’s Instructions

JACKSONVILLE, FL – With news of the GameStop (GME) short-squeeze reaching global notoriety, people across the world are finding themselves feeling a bit left out, turning to alternative investments in hopes of retiring in the coming weeks at any cost.

One such individual is recently self-proclaimed investing mogul and Florida native, Darren Haskell.

Haskell tells The HODL Times staff that despite doing everything his Discord pump & dump group has told him to, he continues to hemorrhage money on his ‘crypto-stocks’. Though, he maintains that DOGE is going to skyrocket – and once it does, he’ll be the one laughing.

“Look, I’ve been in the crypto stocks game for nearly two weeks, and I’ve never seen anything like this”, Haskell said incredulously. “It’s like every time the group tells me to buy, I do, and then the price fucking plummets a few short hours later. Personally, I think it’s these wallstreet fat cats trying to suppress the price; they’re scared of Dogecoin ripping them apart like Gamestop did.”

In recent weeks, Dogecoin has been co-opted by guerrilla marketing campaigns ranging from Facebook groups and Instagram influencers to Discord servers and Telegram groups.

“I first heard about Dogecoin while watching cringe compilations from my favorite TikTok influencer”, he explained. “They made some videos talking about how this is gonna be bigger than Bitcoin, or even the Gamestop thing that happened on Reddit.”

“After a few minutes of doing literally no research at all, I decided that I was gonna go all in”, he added.

When asked about how a massively inflationary cryptocurrency designed as a joke by college students was a sound investment, Haskell simply scoffed and had this to say:

“It’s simple economics, pal – if millions of people all buy DOGE stock at the same time, hold it for the exact same amount of time and never sell, we can get it to increase 1000% from just a few cents to a dollar… but I know what you’re thinking; Darren, if everybody sells at the same time, not everybody is going to profit. Fortunately, heh, have a trick up my sleeve – I’m only pretending that I’m going to hold out to $1, but secretly I’m going to sell right before that! I don’t mean to brag, but it’s a pretty brilliant plan on my part. I guess I just have a knack for investing. Though, all these paper handed morons who keep selling are making me lose a ton of money.”

Despite Haskell’s demonstrated lack of investing experience, he maintains supreme confidence that he’ll be retiring in a few short years. As for his next steps:

“Well tonight the group and I are gonna harass the Dogecoin dev team about implementing a max supply cap. After that I’m filing a lawsuit against Robinhood, and once DOGE hit’s $1 per share I’ll definitely be dumping it all into XRP for some REAL gains.”

Photo by Maxim Hopman on Unsplash

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