Your family & friends may not understand, but we do. You’re too busy getting in on the ground floor of revolutionary new technologies that you don’t understand to hold down some measly, dead-end 9-5 job. To help you maintain your image, our analysts have compiled the 10 highly effective buzzwords that you can pepper into your LinkedIn headline – guaranteed to WOW your professional network and trick them into believing that you’re financially stable:

1. Blockchain Enthusiast
   A staple for the modern gambling addict – best suited for those who hold no real understanding of blockchain, yet want to appear knowledgeable and technically adept at a glance. Be sure to memorize definitions for key terms like ‘blockchain’, ‘private key’, and ‘hard fork’ just in case somebody asks you questions in person and you’re not in a position to Google them.
   
   
2. Cryptocurrency Evangelist
   Similar to Blockchain Enthusiast, but almost makes it sound like you could explain the principals of the technology without stuttering or saying ‘it would take too long to explain’ as an excuse the get out of the question. At the very least, you’re flexing your vocabulary on recruiters. Maybe you’ll land a gig writing for a shitty crypto news site, or something.
   
   
3. Chief Visionary
   You can’t really talk about them… but you have several ideas for a cryptocurrency that could potentially be huge once you find engineers who will work for experience.
   
   
4. Life Coach
   You regularly hound everybody around you that they should be buying cryptocurrency, and that you can help them get started. Casually bragging that you haven’t had to work in years (heavily implying that it’s a choice) is a good supporting argument, but you’ll want to reinforce that you’re ‘in it for the technology’ each time you’re asked if you’ve made any ROI.
   
   
5. ICO Advisor
   You’ve unsuccessfully invested in several ICOs, have rigorously analyzed the steps they took to steal your money, and have applied them to a Medium article you read on how to issue your own token on the Ethereum blockchain in less than 20 minutes.
   
   
6. 💎🤲 
   Unfortunately this is an obvious sign that you have no idea what you’re doing and are actively hemorrhaging money
   
   
7. TEDx
   You don’t have to explain that you were simply an attendee, if they don’t ask.
   
   
8. Serial Entrepreneur
   Not only have you given out a handful of Coinbase referrals to reluctant friends & family members, but you also happen to have owned several pretty high-profile domain names over the years. For example, the now defunct ‘crypt0-masters.biz’ had a seemingly bright future ahead of it, before you realized you didn’t know how to set up DNS records or develop web appplications. It was a wild run building a business with your own two hands, but you’re on to bigger & better ventures now.
   
   
9. Influencer
   You’re a part of several DOGE pump & dump groups on Telegram, and do your part by tweeting out charts that you don’t know how to read to your followers captioned ‘DOGE is a steal right now’.
   
   
10. Father
    This one can be a bit trickier to pull off if you don’t actually have any children. The goal is to make recruiters & potential employers look at your profile and think, ‘Yeah, I could see this guy having some degree of real-world, adult experience‘. Let’s be real – if they knew that you sat in front of a seven year old gaming PC all day smoking weed and losing money on failed arbitrage trades, it wouldn’t look too great.

Photo by Mimi Thian on Unsplash