WASHINGTON D.C – Amid forceful adversity towards the proposed border wall, the Trump administration has been scrambling for alternative solutions. One such proposal comes straight from the president himself, where sources say he is ‘heavily considering blockchain as a viable alternative’ to the previously assumed brick and mortar wall. A concerned staff member anonymously reached out to us for a meeting, where he agreed to expand on the President’s thoughts:

“He said he had heard a lot of talk about blockchain in the news recently, and that it sounded like a good idea to him – that maybe instead of a wall we should put a blockchain on the US-Mexico border,” slurred the clearly inebriated, unidentified source. “Full disclosure guys, I don’t fully understand blockchain tech, but I know enough to confidently say that it’s not literally made up of fucking blocks and chains that we can post up on the border. I didn’t have enough Xanax on me at the time to have that conversation, so I let one of our staffed security analysts field that one.”

White House Jr. Security Analyst, and crypto enthusiast, Elijah Miles has been under the employ of President Trump’s administration since it’s inception. Feverishly waiting for the day that a government or major world power was willing to consider adopting blockchain in any capacity, he never considered the possibility that he, himself, would play a part in what appeared to be pivotal moment in for adoption of the revolutionary technology.

“When I was first asked to explain blockchain to Mr. Trump, I was ecstatic,” explained Miles. “I threw together a quick, punchy presentation, and hurried into the conference room to set up early. It had everything that the president needed to stay attentive and entertained – ample, inconsistent transitions, irrelevant animations, and Comic Sans fonts – the winning formula of all presentations given to him since his inauguration. Unfortunately, as soon as I began my comparison against a traditional database, he [Trump] interrupted and asked me to ‘cut the wiccan, liberal bullshit’ and to just tell him exactly what it would take for America to put a blockchain on the border wall. My heart sank. I closed my laptop – reiterating the fact that it’s not physical item, to which he shouted ‘WRONG’ every few seconds and went off on one of his word-salad tangents.”

We checked back in with our anonymous source to comment on Mile’s experience, which he gladly confirmed.

“Oof. Yeah, I read the transcript, he went off on Eddie pretty good there at the end there if you want to give it a read,”

“When I watch the news – look, having blockchain — my son is a great cypto trader and analyst and moderator of /r/EthereumClassic, Barron Trump in 6th grade; good portfolio, very good portfolio, OK, very good TA, 6th grade, very good, very smart; when you’re on the news and you say someth- and boy do they say blockchain a lot (blockchain is powerful; my son explained to me the power of shitcoins; he would explain the power of what’s going to happen and he was right — who would have thought?) but when you look at what’s going on with the – I’ll tell you what, if we had a blockchain on the border – and look at China, they have blockchains on everything – so you tell me how China is ‘building things on the blockchain’ if they aren’t real, so, and they, they just killed, they just killed us.”

Photo by David Everett Strickler on Unsplash