SAINT PAUL, MN – Even the most passive lurkers of fintech spheres are likely to have encountered this behavior online in recent years; hoards of ostensibly low-functioning teenagers with Wolf of Wall Street-inspired avatars/profile pictures unloading emojis and poor financial advice in every corner of the web.

Our staff was able to secure an anonymous interview with one such personality to comment on their motivation for this behavior, and what they anticipate the future to holds for their investments.

“Well between my ApeCoin shares and GME moon tickets I’m pretty much set for life,” the user remarked. “And as a temporarily embarrassed millionaire I have an online image to uphold. This is tactfully achieved by obnoxiously unloading rocket & diamond emojis in response to anything that I don’t understand, but suspect to be affirming my future wealth. Have I made any money? Let’s just say ‘not yet’, but once all the other guys with the cool WSB avatar give me the signal to buy, you better be ready for this rocket to take off.”

Retired University of Minnesota psychiatrist, Dr. Shannon Littleton, has been following this phenomena over the course of nearly a year, and was eager to walk through the results of her findings with us.

“I’d expect the cognitive functioning & money management skills of these people to be so low as to find them in homeless shelters.” Littleton asserted. “I can only conclude that someone else, perhaps the moderators of the forums they visit, or the influential social media personalities they follow, have been manipulating the vulnerabilities of these simple minded people.”

“What really fascinates me about this group is how so many people with such a degree of pathology are actually able to convince regular people to hitch their wagon so such shitty investments as well.” Littleton added.

When presented with the opinions of Dr. Littleton, the anonymous user became characteristically combative.

“Oh ‘doctor’ Littleton, huh? Nice try SHILLS – being diagnosed as mentally unsound is a classic hedge fund trick. I didn’t fall for it back in 08 when I institutionalized for threatening to kill Obama on Twitter, and I’m sure as hell not falling for it now. Tell Citadel that they can short ApeCoin all they want – they’ll have to pry my shares [sic] from my cold, dead hands.”

At press time, the anonymous user declined to comment on the current value of their portfolio, instead responding with several racial slurs and the following wall of text:

lmao ok SHILL 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😂 😂 😂 
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Photo by UX Indonesia on Unsplash