Report: Ethereum Classic Holders Also Prefer Missionary Sex, Generic Pizza Rolls Over Better Versions Of Those Things

HARTFORD, RH – It comes as no surprise that the chaotic cryptocurrency space by and large carries the most shit-slinging and tribalism among it’s stakeholders. This misguided vitriol is particularly prevalent in the communities of failing projects that are the result of hard forks such as Ethereum Classic, a hard fork of it’s considerably more successful origin chain, Ethereum.

We sat down with one such community participant, Myron Jacobs, to discover why they’re banking on Ethereum Classic to overtake it’s stronger, more muscular older brother.

“I have three words for you fucking heretics: Code. Is. Law,” Myron soberly stated. “There’s not a lot of sacred things left in this crazy world, but Ethereum Classic is one of them; the last flame keeping the fires of blockchain’s core tenants lit. And let’s not kid ourselves – the only reason that ETH outperforms ETC is because that god damn rainman Buterin. Take the Ruskie out of the picture and what does Ethereum have left? Monkey jpegs and absurd gas fees.”

A brief interview with Myron’s family concludes the theory that he has a strong track record of ‘betting on the wrong horse’, so to speak. From the day-to-day activity in /r/SandersForPresident, to the litany of questions on investing forums asking how he can ‘get in on Sears stock’, it’s clear that some cylinders aren’t firing for the misguided young investor.


Myron was eager to address the criticisms of his chosen investing vehicles, specifically those suggesting that Ethereum Classic is nothing more than an underdeveloped knockoff of Ethereum.

“It’s not fucking a knockoff,” he maintained. “But even if it was, what’s wrong with knockoffs? I’ll have you know that my refrigerator at home is literally bursting at the seams with RC Cola and Zap ‘Em brand pizza rolls. After buying the ETC dip over the last couple of years I’m pretty broke, and that’s the only stuff that the food bank I went to had –  but fortunately for me, those happen to be my favorites.”

“Don’t get me wrong – ETC is great and all, but if I could buy stock in Zap ‘Em I would probably take out a second mortgage on my house,” Myron added. “It’s a sleeping giant, and would be a real value play.”

At press time, his only further comment on the subject addressing his plans after Ethereum Classic ‘inevitably’ overtakes Ethereum in market cap.

“The stress of ETC underperforming has nearly destroyed my marriage, but mark my words; once we overtake ETH, I’m gonna give my wife the banging of a lifetime.” he said coolly. “And ol’ Myron’s gonna do it the best way he knows how – missionary style.”

Photo by RODNAE Productions on Pexels


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