TUSCON, AZ – With countless events & actions actively undermining the crypto space’s legitimacy, there’s almost none more harmful than grown men unironically investing in cryptocurrencies inspired by a dog meme from 2013. In pursuit of answers, a bold new study conducted by researchers at University of Arizona has definitely determined the shared cause for such behavior to be a simple one; they’re all absolute fucking morons.
Head researcher and retired psychologist, Dr. Hellen Castillo, Ph.D, kindly agreed to share the details of the study with our team via phone interview.
“The results are unprecedented,” began Dr. Castillo. “I mean we’re talking about grown adults with jobs, families and bills here. These are folks that eagerly dump their life savings and paychecks into joke cryptocurrencies created by teenagers who forked the Dogecoin repository on Github. It’s truly astonishing how a group of people with such a degree of financial illiteracy have the mental capacity to even deposit the funds to lose in the first place.”
“We gathered several dozen people that were actively invested in cryptocurrencies inspired by dog memes,” she continued. “We asked them a series of basic financial literacy and grade school math questions. Although each and every participant demonstrated a spectacularly poor understanding of these concepts, one in particular stood out as an evolutionary outlier in terms of cognitive function.”
The participant in question is Tanner Dawson – a 25 year old Arizona native, self-described unemployed future billionaire, and Dogelon Mars (ELON) investor.
“I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life,” Tanner confidently asserted. “The day my wife gave birth to our son I was pretty on the fence about the whole thing, but when I discovered a cryptocurrency with a name that combined my hobby of losing money in Tesla with my hobby of losing money in Dogecoin? I immediately knew it was something special.”
The young investor seemingly had no reservations about banking to retire on an asset with a circulating supply in the quadrillions that consistently trades at tens of thousandths of a cent with almost no liquidity.
“I don’t normally dignify FUD with a response, but I don’t even know what that means,” he soberly replied. “I don’t mean to doxx myself as a whale, but I hold well over a billion shares. If my math is right, once this goes up 10,000% I’ll almost be able to afford a Tesla.”
The study reportedly came to a premature end when one Shiba Inu (SHIB) holder – who, in their confusion about the concept of profit and loss (P&L) – began beat their chest like a troglodyte until their drool cup harness broke off, at which time their emergency contact was called to come pick them up.