PALM BEACH, FL – Local police have responded to a frantic call describing a domestic dispute between local parents and their son. Long time Palm Beach residents, Charles & Judy Wikholm, reportedly alerted the police of their son Alan’s alleged involvement in criminal gang activity.
“I knew that enrolling him in public school was a mistake,” said Mrs. Wikholm. “I never thought that my son would join a gang or get involved with drugs.”
“Millennials like Alan are ruining this country,” tells Alan’s father, Robert Wikholm. “What did he expect to happen by bragging about being a gang banger? You know, I used to be quite the hooligan myself. Hell, when I was a kid I use to wear a shirt that said ‘Female Body Inspector’, and yeah, sure, I racked up a few assault charges, but at least I wasn’t buying drugs on the internet for my gang.”
“Oh my god I’m not in a gang. I told them that it’s just a dumb crypto joke, but my mom snapped at me and said not to use slang words in her house,” said Alan. “I tried explaining to her that crypto is just short for cryptocurrency, and that it’s come a long way since Bitcoin was mostly used on The Silk Road. She didn’t buy it, saying she knows all about what ‘bit coins’ are good for. She kept saying it like that, too – ‘bit coin’, as two separate words – using air quotes each time she mentioned it. Really bugged me.”
Mrs. Wikholm expanded on the conversation with her son, and expressed her concerns of him becoming involved in the crypto space.
“No son of mine is going to be using ‘bit coins’ to buy drugs for his gang on the dark web. I watch the news, okay? I know more about this than you might think. I also happen to know that ‘bit coins’ aren’t backed by the U.S dollar, or even gold. How can something have value if the government doesn’t tell us it does?”
The responding officer did not appear to be terribly concerned with the allegations, and agreed to speak with us after calming the family down.
“He seems like a good kid,” said Officer Wilson. “Sure, he has shitty taste in altcoins but that’s hardly a crime. What I think he needs is for somebody to sit him down, and teach him about investing intelligently – like in gold or silver. Not fake money, or krypton-currency”
At press time, parents Charles & Judy have decided to not press charges at this time. They have however decided to enroll their son in a 3 month long Scared Straight program.
Photo by Matt Popovich on Unsplash
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