CUPERTINO, CA – Thousands of reports have recently surfaced regarding iPhone screens across the globe suffering screen burn-ins as a consequence of Delta users relentlessly refreshing to keep up with their plummeting portfolio values.

“We haven’t seen profits like this since we convinced people to buy adapters for headphones” said a clearly satisfied Luca Maestri, CFO of Apple. “We sympathize with all effected iPhone users; so much in fact, that we are offering customers who were wise enough to be covered by AppleCare a chance to receive a $10 discount off of their replacement screen with the purchase of a $20 iTunes card”

CEO of Apple, Tim Cook, reached out to comment on the story, deciding to take a more defensive approach than his corporate counterparts.

“All of our display components are purchased from Samsung,”  Cook retorted. “You wouldn’t blame a car dealership for selling you a shitty car, would you? No, you would blame the manufacturer. What’s that old saying? Don’t shoot the messenger or something?”

We asked Cook about how Apple intends to resolve and mitigate the problem going forward, although he continued to stay on the defense regarding the subject.

“Look, If it were up to us, Bitcoin would be sitting at a constant value – but it’s not. If Bitcoin’s market dominance didn’t influence Delta listed coin metrics at such a rapid rate we wouldn’t be having this conversation, now would we? The root of the problem is the volatility that comes with most coins. Have you seen TRON? It’s value is tied to the US dollar – you can’t beat that kind of stability! If you want to blame somebody, blame Blockstream for not taking a page out of TRON’s book.

VP of Hardware Technology, Johny Srouji, generously offered his thoughts on the utility value of blockchain, and what part it may play in Apple’s future.

“At this point in time, Apple does not yet recognize a real-world use case or application of blockchain technology. Why would you want to use some confusing website to verify your Apple-related invoicing, insurance claims, or data plan discrepancies when you can go into your nearest Apple store and argue with a real life Computer Science dropout in person?“

Although Srouji did not appear to be terribly invested in the subject, he used the interview as an opportunity to plug an exclusive announcement.

“We are very pleased to announce the release of our Lightning to USB-C to Micro USB hardware wallet adapters, available for purchase in Summer 2019”

Photo by George Morgan on Unsplash