REDDIT, INTERNET – “I can’t believe nobody has thought of this before,” bragged self-anointed ‘crypto g0d’, 16 year old Kevin Wade. “Instead of wasting my time analyzing market trends, I’ve figured out that all I have to do is ask crypto forums which coins are going to moon by next year – and these jabberjaws just hand out insider information for free.”

“One guy even PM’d me saying that something called ECC will 10x in the next few months,” he added, “and I’m definitely bullish on that. Or bearish maybe. I’m not sure though, I haven’t looked these words up yet.”

We inquired about which coins Wade is currently invested in, and how he came to the decision to choose them over the numerous alternatives.

“Some users started arguing among themselves on my post about which platform coins are going to hit it big, and a few of them TOTALLY spilled the beans by saying that EOS is going to hit 0.5BTC once they have a working product. Thanks for paying for my lambo, morons.”

“I know what you’re thinking,” Wade added. “I shouldn’t be taking investing advice from a random person on the internet, yada, yada – well the jokes on you pal. Not one, but three different users said the same thing on my post, and twenty users upvoted them. If my math is right, that means at least sixty people are heavily invested in EOS. I seriously doubt that sixty investors in a row are going to be wrong.”

Wade’s mother reached out to us expressing her concerns with his newly found venture.

“He has very severe dyslexia,” Kevin’s mother, Martha Wade spelled out. “When he was on the baseball team in high school, he thought it would be funny to select 69 as his uniform number, but ended up requesting 96. He never saw the difference,  but his father and I didn’t have the heart to tell him.”

While Wade’s questionable decision-making might leave readers scratching their heads, he remains confident that his recent profits are no mere stroke of luck and credits his recent success as a pure result of his untapped, intrinsic ability to ‘play the market’.

“In the wake of my successful investing decisions, I’ve started a social media conglomerate where people can pay me for investing advice. Each person who sends me 0.05BTC will receive a Binance referral link and list of coins that I was told are going to skyrocket. I don’t know why everybody doesn’t do this.”

Photo by Chris Liverani ↠ on Unsplash